Toxic relationships: why people stay

Toxic relationships: why people stay

Toxic relationships are not just associated with physical abuse only. Toxicity unravels itself in many forms of abuse. A toxic relationship is characterized by physical, emotional, mental abuse and a repeated pattern of behaviour such as manipulation, isolation, dishonesty, disrespect and constant criticism .Studies show that an estimate of 6 to 9 out of 10 people have been in toxic relationships , are in toxic relationships or have someone close to them in a similar situation. Toxic relationships exist in friendships, workplace , intimate partners and even within family.

The damage has been done

Have you ever been or are you in a toxic relationship? Sometimes we stay so long in place where we are not wanted not realizing the damage it does to us.Patterns of abuse repeat themselves until we perceive it as normal.Is normal even the right term for it? What is really normal to you? A lot of people if not all are aware that they’re in a toxic dynamic sort of relationship but still chose to stay, can we really blame them for their choices? Often the fear of what is on the other side is what keep people stuck . You are used to certain things in your relationships, where it’s clear that the negative outweighs the positive but you're still clinging to the idea or rather an illusion of your partners positive values ,a way to lure you into this imagination of something beautiful that could have been. It doesn’t even last a minute because the manipulator cant pretend for long.

A manipulator often studies their victim, they know their soft spot,insecurities, fear of conflict,low self reliance ,weak sense of identity and a tendency to feel guilt or shame .They observe their target’s emotional triggers ,personality and social dynamic to identify which tactics will be most effective in exerting control and achieving their own goal.In most cases of toxic relationships a manipulator will do everything in their own power to isolate you from your loved ones ,your family,friends and any person you can reach to, they make you utterly dependent on them. This form of attachment itself is very dangerous. When you're emotionally attached to a manipulator ,you begin to trust them entirely and as a result share everything and anything happening, happened or is about to happen in your life. A narcissist actions often contradicts their words, making the victim question their own sanity, they use guilt to control their victims perception and behaviour, so if the victim has an anxious attachment style it causes them to have a low self-esteem and the need for reassurance that puts them in a cycle that never ends.

Attachment issues 

When it comes to toxic relationships ,attachment issues manifest as anxious attachment, fear of abandonment, lack of self worth and emotional dependency .Anxious attachment is characterized by a strong desire for closeness.This may be as a result of unpredictable care-giving in childhood.People with anxious attachment often become preoccupied with their partners needs and constantly seeking validation. For a person who is not well conversed with such patterns it may feel like “love’” but is it really love? For a relationship to work both parties have to set boundaries ,where one can have a life outside the relationship.Some people stay in toxic places for fear of being alone, for some their identity is tied to the relationship .When you normalize red flags you become accustomed to negative behaviour such as criticism and control ,making them seem normal and even a sign of affection.You overlook your partners toxic behaviour in hope that they will change ,do they? This is often a defensive mechanism to maintain safety and connection.

The mental exhaustion 

Toxic relationships can really drain oneself mentally .They can also root from unspoken issues that have been bottled up inside and left unsolved.Toxic people don’t become toxic overnight .The environment where one was raised ,the family dynamic, past trauma are often reveled in relationships .When a person has a history of relational trauma, they’re familiar with certain dynamics that feel “normal” or “familiar” to them even though they’re unhealthy .This feeling of normal towards conflict or abuse can lead to subconscious pull causing people to repeat the very behaviour they experienced in the past.This makes it harder for such people to identify and recognize healthy relations,since they may not feel safe in the same way that familiar traumatic dynamic do. As result they prefer to remain in such toxic dynamic because of familiarity.

Relationships are supposed to feel safe ,love is supposed to feel safe, kind, and patient not chaotic .It's unfortunate that some people don’t know how safe is supposed to look like like or feel like .Most if not all the decisions we have made in regards to relationships are often influenced by a number of factors .For those who experienced abuse in their homes while growing up ,giving up on a relationship is not a choice for them. There is this phrase that victims of abuse normally use “ as long as I'm not beaten, I will stay” A good number of people think that toxicity is only about physical abuse ,they don’t see the mental torture that it does to the brain. There are victims whose choices are influenced by family. Anita was a victim of abusive and toxic marriage for close to seven years ,her father warned her not to leave because he believed that would bring shame to their family .Their reputation was more important than her life. He went ahead and told her to fix her marriage because no marriage is easy and a little discipline doesn't hurt, so she stayed .She chose to stay for the sake of her family.

Enough is enough

Sometimes the influence comes from our “friends” and that is why the decision to leave a toxic relationship is often from within. When you decide enough is enough and you can’t put up with it any longer .A “friend” will see you go through hell in that relationship ,they can either talk you into giving it another chance because of the material things your partners provides things like cars ,houses, vacations and so forth or they can either talk you into leaving ,the decision is always yours.

The truth is most victims of toxic relationships always decide on their own to leave.Some cases I’ve come across where victims are talked into leaving or are forced to leave they usually go back and when they do you become the enemy,”the enemy formed against their relationship.” Love doesn’t have to feel that way .The first step is taking back your power by making empowered choices and taking responsibility for your life .No one is going to save you until you save yourself and reclaim your life.Prioritize your own well being and seek the help of a therapist ,works best if you have someone to talk to.Walking away from from such disastrous situations and healing is not a walk in the park but it surely gets better with time .Start by doing things that makes you happy and enjoy life more often .Distractions sometimes help by shifting the brain state and reducing stress or worry this way you stay focused on your healing journey.

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